It’s October 2012. June is 6 months old, and her infantile spasms aren’t controlled. We keep getting one blow of bad news after another: hearing, vision, brain – all abnormal and delayed, but no doctor understands how severe and why. We had just gotten back from traveling to see a well-renowned doctor on infantile spasms who specialized in a type of surgery and learned June was not a candidate. The outlook was grim, and I felt utterly defeated. I was in an extremely dark place.

To make matters worse, it was Halloween time. The most in-your-face healthy, cute children time of year. All I could think about was if June would ever walk to a front porch, knock on the door and say, “Trick-or-treat,” like all these adorable kids in my neighborhood. The pain was almost too much to bear. I didn’t know how I would ever exist in this world if this is what life was going to be like for us.

Whether I realize it or not, every October, I remember this time. It used to be an ominous reminder of the worst time in my life, but as years go on, it has become a reflection of how much we’ve grown. This weekend I was decorating our front porch with pumpkins, golden mums, and fall decor. My boys were so excited and having fun with it too. I stepped back to take a picture, and a sense of calm and serenity washed over me. I thought of how beautifully life has fallen into place in a way I couldn’t fathom eight years ago. I thought my life and any hope of future happiness was over.

One theme I continuously return to in my posts is then vs. now and the hope I can see for myself with hindsight. Maybe someone is reading this who is in the same spot I was 8 years ago. If you are, I want you to know that life won’t always be this way, especially if you can’t fathom a world where you are happy and hopeful again. Even if your worst fears come true, you will be okay, and you will find a way to enjoy life again. I know this because of personal experience. Plus, I have had the opportunity to meet many families through my work with JJMF, and I see this same truth confirmed in them. I usually connect with them in the darkest period of their journey, and, as time goes on, I see their hopeful journey begin to blossom as well. For anyone who needs this today: you will dream again, you will find joy, and I believe you are being planted to grow into the most beautiful version of yourself.